A Christmas letter from a fabulicious family…

Every holiday season we all look forward to that one letter from the mystical family called the Perfects.  A special letter that unites fractured families everywhere by providing merriment, laughter, mockery and sometimes derision. The quality of wonderment enters when you wonder, if anyone outside of their perfect family, loves them the way they love themselves. One remarkable and extraordinary year follows another.

 Hello all,

Another incredibly fabulous, successful year has passed.  As we celebrate each year we cannot help but wonder if the upcoming year could possibly surpass our last one. To our amazement it always does.

My wonderful Whitman has added to his credentials of being a premier heart and brain surgeon. He is now specializing in extreme cosmetic, gastro, eye, knee, hip and psyche procedures.   In addition to the 12 languages Whitman already speaks, he picked up several this summer. Along with our dog Rutherford, who is almost human, Whitman was awarded best in show among humans. I have to stop talking about Whitman he is so modest.

Sir Dog Rutherford we have discovered comes from a long line of British royal canines and can be addressed as Sir Rutherford Sheepherder Outstanding Hunt Dog The Twelfth.   Our royal dog, Sir Rutherford is being considered for a show on TV called “Dogs That Dare To Dream”.  Being a participant on the show would allow our incredible dog to attend vet school, his lifelong dream.

Our boys are just amazing; we are indeed blessed.  Heathcliff just graduated from Yale, Harvard and Stanford simultaneously.  He is the first to achieve such a distinction. Heathcliff has landed a job with the Illuminati in their strategic planning department, look out new world order.

Ismael’s passion is still the theater.  He has been an understudy for Ed Asner, Katie Holmes and Ricky Martin. A big break will come soon.  He is also writing a play about Sir Rutherford’s early life as a dog.

Everyone so loves my Holiday letters that I have a full time job writing for families all over the world.  Making each holiday missive distinctive is quite the challenge.  So I only write for families that share the same goals and achieve the same successes as my family.  

Wishing you a perfect holiday season and happy New Year,

Pamela, Rutherford, Whitman, Heathcliff and Ismael Perfecto

Are Holidays for families or shopping?

Enough of black Friday a plea for sanity and light

On behalf of retail employees everywhere I am making a passionate plea to all of you of sound mind and believers in fair trade. Please, please, do not start your holiday shopping late Thanksgiving eve or in the wee hours of Friday morning. The same goes for stores open on Christmas. Most of you (I hope) do not have plans to stay up late, get in lines or hang out in parking lots between the hours of six p.m. and what ever. Be careful, you may find tempters among your family and friends. Lulled into a post holiday eating stupor, unintentionally, you could be enticed into a late night shopping event.

How might retail temptation show up in your life? Try this simple scenario on for size. You’ve finished eating and someone mentions that it might be fun to check out the madness, join in with the crowds, be adventurous and find out what drives someone to shop at three a.m.  Mumbling takes place, the words “no” and  ”no way” can be heard, but not at a decibel level that registers with human ears.  Suddenly coats are donned and people are heading to a shopping location.

This is just an example of how one can be tempted into saying “yes”, when you meant to say “no”. During dinner or post dinner the talk turns to holiday presents.  The usual moaning commences on the status of shopping chores.  Either no one has completed are even started shopping for presents.  A joke is made, “we could always finish dinner and head for the stores”. There it is; companionship, a good meal, perhaps some spirits and you are standing in the cold, waiting for a store to open. How could it happen to you?

Think of all the families that are being separated on both Thanksgiving and Christmas. For what, so a total of twelve 101.5-inch mega screen TV’s, offered as door busters can drive customers into the stores  to find something else.  Or finding that not so special present for someone, that will be re-gifted, so the task can be crossed off a list?

If the stores were not open at unconscionable hours the same deals would be offered over the weekend.  Employees are threatened with the loss of their jobs if they ask to have the time off.   This whole black Friday, starting on Halloween, craziness has to stop.  Corporate retailers blame it on the recession.  One more excuse for bad business practices, not changing with the times and a loss of compassion for employees.

Support retailers that respect their employees and respect you, the consumer, by wanting you to be at home on Thanksgiving and Christmas, "just says no!”  

For those of you that don't want to be at home but need to escape the family, go outside, visit friends. We can all find something else other than a visit to a mall on a day of gratitude. 

A Googlie Car Solution

Solutions for Recklessness

Google has been road testing a driverless car; it is fully functional and waiting for us not to drive. I want that car; I need protection from other drivers and they need protection from me. Daily, on the freeway, I determine what scary moves drivers will perform and prepare accordingly.   “How,” you ask?

When I see three cars in rapid succession display the same weirdness, the day’s theme is settled.  Try this observational exercise tomorrow when you are facing incomprehensible road behavior.  With many of you taking Thanksgiving road trips this will help, I promise.

Like weather forecasts if we only we could hear “today we will have the slowest drivers in the universe occupying only left lanes, leave early and breathe”.  Below are my categories for making predictions.  My methods are based are my biases, declared with complete prejudice and involve no science. (Who needs science?)

My lane, my speed

• Watch for a succession of cars making dramatic, sudden, and angry lane changes in an attempt to jump ahead of a large “C-DAN”.  (Translation, sedan.)
• The C-DAN moves leisurely in the fast lane.
• C-DAN drivers are of all ages but look for white hair.
•  Occasionally the head of the driver appears to be missing. 

Road rage racing

• Brake lights are illuminating in all lanes.
• The roar of one or two cars can be heard.
• Drivers can be of all ages but look for younger drivers in “tricked” out cars.
• Usually male, with a second buddy car, rapidly and dangerously weaving between tightly packed cars.

Chatty Cathie’s 

• A female driver holding the phone with her head, handing items to back seat occupants, while balancing a latte in the other hand.
• Symptoms; speeding/slowing and making crazy lane changes, forcing other cars to avoid her SUV/van.
• Slow down and look for escape routes.

Texting while driving

• Both sexes – younger drivers.
• Observe heads pulling to the right and looking down.
• Notice weaving and inconsistent car speeds.
• Move at least two lanes away; wishing you could tell their parents.

Bullies   

• Mostly male but recently women are joining the fray.
• Wronged by another car, the car driver places their car perilously close to the front of the “alleged” culprit.
• The “wronged” driver punishes their prey by slowing down and speeding up.
• The piece de resistance involves creative hand gestures to emphasize their anger.

The answer

A daily driving forecast is a small remedy to a large problem. Too much goes on in cars these days.. music, movies, map screens, microwaves, latte and Panini machines.  Soon I hope trash compactors.  We live in our cars.

Give us driverless cars now  - save lives and sanity

We are too many, too stupid and too distracted to be on the road.  All of us need to be safe from one another.  Recently someone logically asked “why not public transportation?”  So rational, but we are not willing to give up our beloved personal space and imagined freedom. Let us cease driving and drive driverless cars.  And then, oh joy, we can text, listen to tunes, prepare lunch and do crafts.  We will be safe in our magical C-DAN with Siri cheering us on.

The twenty somethings - a tribute

This is a fan letter to the hard working, struggling twenty to early thirties young people.  Should you be a member of the aforesaid demographic, don’t read this if more than two of the below statements apply to you:

• You attended a prestigious academic institution, graduated in four years, with tuition paid for by your parents.
• You did not work during college or volunteer for a non-profit.
• Your credit card was paid in full during college by your parents.
• You lived in housing that was purchased or paid for by your parents.
• Should your credit card debt become too high your parents will pay it off.
• Your parents are currently subsidizing your housing.
• You found a decent job within six months of graduating that pays a living salary with benefits.

Answering yes to some of the above statements makes you lucky, fortunate, and blessed and these days, unusual especially the last statement.

So many of this particular demographic are working more than one job, attempting to go to school, taking out large school loans to survive and not giving up.

In California the state educational system has dramatically cut back classes.  Finding the last one or two classes that are necessary to enroll in a state university is on par with winning the lottery. The classes are either offered only once a year and are usually filled within minutes.  The state schools have stopped mid-year enrollment as well.  As a result of the many obstacles brought on by budget cuts, it is taking one to two years longer to graduate, which means higher loan payments.

Many parents lost jobs, houses and or savings.  Consequently college bound young adults or those unable to attend college are supporting themselves or contributing to their families support. Some of the family is forced to move in with grandparents and the young adult must find his or her own way.

Let us not leave out the ugly divorces that find many of these young adults caught in the middle by feuding parents. Financial contribution by the parent with the most dollars is coercive and controlling and or becomes a way of getting back at the other parent. Each time one of these stories is shared, I realize that the parent is the child and the behavior exhibited by their children is mature, yet they are the one’s punished. (I only wish this was a rare tale but it is not.)

Jobs to finance living and school are mostly in the service industry.  Too many of these employers will not post schedules until the weekend. The employees have to call in during the week to see if they are needed.  There is little or no accommodation for school schedules. (There are some from the industry that will work around school schedules, just not enough.)

  

Like their great grandparents’ who survived the great depression this demographic has my respect and vote.  I am awe of this group as they push on to complete their degrees, start their lives and believe in their future. My hope is that the election outcome will help you all move forward quickly. My hope is that all obstacles that have been put before you will create in you compassion as you become successful.  Your memory will motivate you to create safety nets for others. 

“The Guido Effect” - part two!

Last week I told the story of Guido suspending time and space to alter reality.  This week my story is about  “The Guido Effect” as a gift that kept on giving.

After Guido died we prepared to sell the house and the usual deed search took place by the realtor.  To our horror we found a seven page attached communication between Guido and the county assessor. Surprise!

To my shock the communication initiated by my father turned out to be a request to have the house re-inspected.  Why? According to parsimonious Guido, the increased assessment was an outrage.  The jest of the letter described a house on the verge of blowing away in a small wind or suddenly melting.

His reasoning; the remodel which caused a higher taxation was unfair and should be changed. Guido logic was that at one time there had been a small roof leak and surely the walls were damp and therefore the entire structure unsound.

“How does one write such a letter with a degree of seriousness you ask?”  Because other letters in the past with equally creative rationales or irrationality actually worked.  His letters are works of art and will be shared down the road.  The whole point of the “Guido Effect” is to change unwelcome reality, which often was successful. (It worked with the IRS.)

The result was another inspection, which included compliments from the assessor “on the remodel, the bones of the house and the solid construction.“  Guido tried one final letter to challenge the decision.  It was far more operatic describing all the flaws of the house and the inequity of the final ruling on a poor World War Two veteran widow, living on a pittance.  Forget that the inspector had seen his unworthy shack. He without shame played all his cards. This one was one of his few campaign failures.

  

When Mimi, a friend, and our realtor shared the alarming information I launched into a rather loud aria.  “The Guido Effect” necessitated immediate chocolate, a drink, aspirin and deep breathing. 

Just to rule out any issues we called in an inspector and without leading the witness, had him go through everything.  His report was spectacular and he wondered why he had been called out.

We explained the “Guido Effect,” he being Italian, nodded his head and began a story.  Apparently growing up the family owned a summer cottage on a lake, located near a tiny private airport.  His father visited only several weekends during the summer. However, he launched an impassioned protest to shut the airport down and or control the hours of use, because it made living life on the lake “torturous.”

As the gentleman left handing us our sterling report he said, “we have all experienced the “Guido Effect” at some point in our lives it certainly makes life more interesting.”  

Finito

Next week a tribute, an ode and praise of the twenty-something’s.