My deepest sympathy. Sorry for your loss.

Finding the right words for a condolence note can be a demanding and sensitive undertaking. Searching for a card that has meaning; finding words that are comforting while avoiding hollow or trite sentiments can be a challenge.

Whether the person who suffered a loss was someone you knew well, or a distant contact, offering your words of sympathy can be difficult and uncomfortable.  Adding to the struggle: you may be unfamiliar with their beliefs.  While contemplating the right words you too may be reliving your own personal losses.

 

When the topic comes up (and it does), I always ask “if you have lost someone, what type of communication means the most to you and why?” 

People say the most meaningful letters incorporate:

• Contact: recognizing a personal loss.

• A remembrance of the person (if you knew them).

• Acknowledgement that the grieving process will be difficult.

• The gift of prayers or a Mass in honor of the deceased.

• Donations to a requested charity.

• Including a poem or proverb appropriate for the person.

• Following up with cards, phone calls, and visits after some time has passed. 

What made those who have lost loved ones uncomfortable was:

• Generic cards that show rainbows, mountains or clouds. (Sent with the best intentions.)

        o A friend of mine received 6 of the same card and stopped reading them after the first one.  I too received the same card multiple times and realized that there are not a whole lot of choices.

• Poems that speak of “a better place,” (especially when the words inside the card do not align with the recipient’s beliefs).

• Including somewhere in the card or note, “I know what you are going through.”  

      o We all grieve differently, have different experiences. It’s about their loss right now, not yours.

      o You can refer to the fact that the loss of a child, parent, sibling, husband, good friend is heart wrenching. 

Below are some suggestions of how to format your sympathy note.

 

Dear Friend,

1. There are no perfect words.  

2. I am available for you in any way during this difficult time.

3. I did not know (the person), but from the way you spoke of him/her, I know what an impact he/she made in your life.

4. You have been such a comfort to _____.

5. Thinking of you.

An example:

Dear family member/good friend,

My favorite memory of your mother was when she would greet me at the door when we came home for vacations.  She always wanted to hear about my life and was so encouraging.

She had such an amazing impact on everyone she met.  I am so fortunate to have known her.  You have been a wonderful daughter.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.  Let’s get together, when you are ready, have lunch at her favorite restaurant, and tell our best stories. 

Love, 

I would like to share two very special sympathy notes that I have received. They are short and sweet and I know them by heart.

A former student of my Guido:

You don’t know me and I haven’t seen your father in years.  But if it weren’t for your father I would not have stayed in school.  I would not have believed I could be successful.  He gave me that gift.

I now teach because of him and hope I am giving the same encouragement to my students.

An acquaintance of Wilfrida:

I only meet your mother in the last few weeks of her life, but her courage and grace were remarkable. I will take her memory with me throughout my life.

What if?

The person that has died was difficult, disliked and or not talking to your family member or friend?  Should you send a card?

Yes.  Death is hard enough.  When you add the complications of a painful relationship, it only adds to a mix of whirling emotions.

Dear friend,

1. I don’t know what to say.  I know you tried so hard in your relationship with…

2. Please know I am there for you when you are ready to talk. If not let’s just go out.

3. I have included a quotation from one of your favorite authors.  I hope it helps.

4. Love or sincerely,

In writing this blog, I spoke with friends and family about their experiences of receiving sympathy cards.  We spoke of what resonated and what did not. Memories past and present caused us to reach for plenty of Kleenex.  I urge you to be brief and kind in your expressions of sympathy.

If you wish to share, you know the drill.

Say you are sorry with words (no texting)!

Lately the phrase I’m sorry has become the punch line for a bad joke. When caught with photos of strange women, stacks of money that can’t be explained, or heard saying inappropriate, nasty comments, people look at the camera and humbly say, “Sorry!”  

These words have been diluted by politicians, religious leaders, and celebrities; most of whom are repeat offenders attempting to erase their hubris and stabilize the downward spiral of their reputation.

This blog is about offering an apology.  As mere mortals we will need to humbly and sincerely say we are sorry a bazillion times in our lives.  Our mea culpa covers the gambit from being intentionally stupid to unintentionally ignorant.  Both register on the hurt and pain meter from a minor boo-boo to an unforgivable wound. We need to be able to mend fences, soothe hurts, and own up to an occasional fall from grace.  We want to be able to reach out and reconnect.

Wilfrida’s advice:

1.     Make it short. 
2.     Use a minimum amount of words.
3.     Get to the point.
4.     Don’t rationalize (it might not have anything to do with you).
5.     Own it, express your regret.

Time has passed and I don’t know what to say.

Many of our connections and contacts can be appreciated from a distance. However, we do have truly meaningful relationships that have disappeared over the years.  Due to inactivity, time and or distance, these relationships can fall the wayside. You want to reach out, have meant to reach out, but haven't.  Now so much time has passed, you are embarrassed.

A note is an easy way to remedy this situation.  It brings an air of personality and connection that can’t be reached with modern alternatives.  Once you reach out there are three responses; none, lukewarm, or “I’ve missed you too.”

Dear missing relative/friend,

1. I have thought of you so often over the years and have been well meaning in my thoughts but not in my actions.
2. I regret that we have lost touch.
3. If you would like to sit down and catch up over coffee, my cell/email is….
4. I look forward to hearing from you.

You aren’t sure why, but you are feeling a shift in attitude.

Intuition, passive aggressive behavior, or hints from family and friends are making you question what the heck happened in your friendship/relationship.  You sense something is different between you two but can’t figure out what’s going on.

Dear (oddly behaving) family member or friend,

1.     Since the last time we spent time together, I feel something has shifted.
2.     I value you and our friendship.
3.     Please, let’s have a conversation.

Feeling guilty and want to mend the fence?

Perhaps you had too much to drink, or not, but in the thrill of being the life of the party, (at least in your mind), you said some things that seemed harmless and amusing at the time.  But, they were at someone’s expense that now feels hurt and angry. So fix it!

You posted something on Facebook that was viewed as snarky. The results are online and your family/friends are watching it all implode. You want to fix it.  Pick up the pen.

You best friend/family member has broken up with the worst partner ever. You have made two trips to Costco replacing the Kleenex, beers, and pizza in your attempts to ease the sorrow when you are told the news; “Guess what?  We are back together!”  And you respond in shock, “Are you kidding me?  Why?  I don’t get it?” It turns into one of those moments where the air leaves the room which results in silence over days or weeks.

Breathe and pick up your pen.

You had words…..not good ones!

Pick up the pen if you think you want to salvage a relationship.  Or truly talk it out and then decide if salvaging is the right thing to do.

Dear Friend,

1.     I know my words hurt your feelings.
2.     It would never be my intention to hurt you in anyway.
3.     I am sorry, let me know a good time to get together.
4.     We have been friends too long to let this happen.

We have all tripped over ourselves and ended up hurting someone.  And we have all felt remorse from these situations.  Sometimes we just need to give it time.  Those we agitate might not always respond graciously, or at all, but sending your apology is necessary.  It shows your empathy and gives both of you the possibility to move on.

I would love to hear your “I’m sorry” stories.  Send me your best or your worst!


Next week's topic: the sympathy card.

I want to thank my pen, my paper, my stamp and most importantly –YOU!

Those pesky thank you notes, do we really need to write them anymore?  We have so many faster, electronic ways to say thank you, should we so desire. And of course there is always the contemporary method of expressing gratitude  -- silence. Silence can indeed be golden but not in this area of polite society.

Once we pass the wringing of the hands and gnashing of the teeth because of how rude the population is becoming and how little gratitude is shown, we need to review the purpose of the “thank you note”.  

Little ones ask me “why do I have to write a note?”  That part is simple; “because it is the right thing to do” and if all else fails I revert to, “because I am asking.” Not writing a note is a sure way to derail the gift train that kids love to ride.  But I am more concerned about the big people who don’t understand or see the need to express appreciation.

Reasons people do not write a thank you note:

·      Little ones were not shown the way and or not encouraged to send a thank you by parents who did not model or expect such behavior.

o   For many grown children this has resulted in a missing page in the etiquette handbook.

·      No time, too busy, no one else in our group does it, they know I appreciated (fill in the blank), and that’s just how we roll.

o   Really, that doesn’t fly because everyone is too busy.

·      My writing sucks and I am too embarrassed to put pen to paper. 

o   I too have sucky penmanship.  After years of mockery and derision aimed directly at my illegible scribble, I took up printing.  Nasty comments on school papers and the sad fact that I could not read my own writing led me to find that printing works.

·      The honest and should be forgiven…I forgot, I meant to, thought I did, and a dog ate my stamp.

o   We have all been there.

The purpose of gratitude: (preaching to the choir here but feel free to send this on)

·      Let’s go basic first; it is a polite way to show appreciation.  On a macro level it is one of many basic threads that hold our society together

·      When people go to the trouble of having you as a houseguest, invite you to a special occasion, or do something extraordinary for you, they should know their efforts have meaning.

·      On behalf of gift givers everywhere, they want two questions answered: did you receive the gift, and did you like it?  When this topic comes up, and it often does,…what angers gift givers the most?  Not knowing whether or not the person they were sending the gift to received it.  Many generous relatives and friends who are separated by both physical distances and or emotional distances hope to maintain contact by sending notes and presents.

Wilfrida’s lessons:

Make it simple and fun and start early!

With young ones make it a fun-learning lesson for life. Have the child draw a picture of the present. Talk to them while they are in the process of creation, let them know why it is important to thank others and how happy the person receiving their masterpiece will be.

Make it simple and make it short--3 sentences are adequate – more are fine, but not necessary.

1.   Thank you for my gift ….fill in blank

2.   I like it because … fill in the blank (if you hate it come up with something)

3.   You were so kind to think of me/remember me on my birthday, wedding, fill in blank

Sincerely,

Wilfrida

My example comes from the heart!

Dear Wilfrida’s closet blog readers,

1.   Thank you for reading my blog.

2.   I so appreciate you taking time from all that you have going on in your busy lives to read my blog.

3.   Your support and feedback has been motivating, again I thank you,

Sincerely,

Rita, daughter of Wilfrida

Share your favorite thank you and or your comments. Tinkerbelle, do you believe? Or is it a dying tradition that should be put out of its misery.

Share this blog with others, like me on Facebook, and send a note to someone thanking them for being in your life.

Pens and Pencils

When I took a job with a national retailer specializing in candles, Guido, my Dad, said in a most serious voice, “Has anyone explained the concept of electricity to you?”  I laughed.  Candles are still being sold, and I use them regularly.

The same thing happens to me when I tell people what I do.  “Oh you paint, kind of,” they say.  Or “Oh you are a photographer, kind of.”  This is followed with either a quiet end to the conversation, or the depressing statement…”people still write? I don’t.”

This artistic adventure has allowed me to glean a bit about how people use the written language.  In moments of honesty people admit to me, ”I don’t know what to do with a blank card”.  I have learned that most of us, regardless of age, sex, or background, miss receiving personally addressed, handpicked cards.  Letters that are hand written, placed in an envelope, stamped and sent to us give us a feeling of connection; reminding us that we are special.

It is my birthday this week and I am pretty sure who will send me actual cards. Two that I can count on come from friends that were next-door neighbors when I was a child. We met when I was five and when I was 11 we moved over 1000 miles away. Their cards come from a distance and opening them closes the gap in years and in miles.

Over the last few months I have had requests to do a few blogs on how to write a concise message.  I am certainly not an authority, but I am an avid practitioner.  Through fun and painless teaching, Wilfrida gave me the tools to properly write a note, and now, I am going to pass her wisdom to you.

In the next 3 weeks I will cover the thank you note, the sorry for (fill in the blank), and the scary sympathy card.  As this is a collaborative forum I would appreciate your thoughts on writing meaningful notes and would love to hear about cards you have appreciated receiving.  

Blogs To Come:

Thank you note 3/13

Making contact after an embarrassingly long time/I am sorry 3/20

The sympathy note 3/27