Being There for the Terminally Ill

As we have discussed, the sympathy note can be a difficult one to write.  Whether you are addressing someone who has lost a loved one, or is currently losing someone, finding the right words can be a challenge. Some of our readers suggested that writing to the terminally ill proves more difficult than offering sympathy to the bereaved.  Your offered experiences would be helpful as well.

So what do you say to someone who is battling a fatal disease?  My advice is to take your lead from the person that is ill.  I learned this valuable lesson 6 months before Wilfrida’s death.

It was the last visit to her hometown for a special family event.  As Wilfrida greeted childhood friends, a few would say, “you look beautiful,” (she did).  But as the words left their mouths you could see the look of horror on their faces as they tried to find their next thoughts.   One can only do their best at awkward times.  Wilfrida, with her grace and humor, would respond, “I do look good.  And thanks for noticing.”  To some she would comically say, “Not bad for someone who is dying.”  

When a person first hears the word terminal it can take awhile to come to terms with how they will react.  Patients must work to accept their diagnosis, share the information with their loved ones, and deal with the reactions of family and friends. 

While managing reactions and responses, decisions need to be made about additional treatments and end of life protocol.

Here are some suggestions of how to reach out:

• Acknowledge that you are aware of the prognosis, especially if it is not a secret.  This seems to be the first elephant in the room. 

• Never assume the person’s needs are going to be met by family or friends.  Distance and busy schedules don’t always allow for this. If you are not that close to the family you may be unaware that there are ways that you could assist.

• Don’t force your help if it is not requested.

• Call or write to ask what you can do to help in anyway. (If you call, avoid tones of voice that are fake cheery or speaking in hushed sad tones…be normal)

• Be specific with offers.  Strong, independent caregivers won’t always declare their needs.

• Work with friends or family members to figure out meals, doctor appointments, and communication.

• Offer to relieve the family and or close friends by doing errands or just being with the patient.

• Only commit to what you can actually do.

• Just a reminder…it is not about you!

An example of a note:

1. I have heard the news.

2. Please let me know what I can do to help and when we can visit.

3. Meanwhile know my thoughts and (prayers) are with you and your family.

When you are clear what is needed, follow up with notes and brief calls.  At some point let the person know how much they have impacted your life.  But be mindful of when you call based on the person’s fatigue.

Respect the wishes of the family no matter how close you have been. Ask if there is an avenue for updates on the patient’s health.  If not, offer to create one.

Keep the contact alive with notes and calls, and don’t forget the family and close care givers.  

Please tell us your stories.  They could so help others in need of advice.