It's not about you!

I prepared a more upbeat blog but a recent conversation inspired me to switch gears.  This topic was a request from a friend who has to start chemo again after being cancer free for five years.  Her doctors are optimistic and assuring and she is upbeat.

Updates were given, timelines and expectant side effects to the treatment were shared during a recent lunch. We are long time friends and very comfortable discussing all the gory details. My first question; “How are your family and friends reacting and how can we help?”

In preparing her chemo calendar my friend called or met with some of her circle. She needed to cancel previous engagements and when making the calls, included the reason. Delivering the information in an upbeat no nonsense way, she was surprised and somewhat shocked by how her group reacted. Usually it was tears or a depressing lament.  She became the consoler uttering soothing words in an attempt to quickly end conversations.

Listening to her story, I blurted out speaking to everyone she had spoken to, “It’s not about you!”  My friend’s first reaction was to mention that obvious fact to her group but felt it would prolong the already painful conversations.

 April 3, 2012 I wrote a blog titled Being there for the terminally ill.  This is the blog I should have written first.

Hearing the news of a frightening medical diagnosis is a shock to all.  A visceral first reaction could be tears or asking inappropriate and badly timed questions.  We need to be forgiven since many of us have been in such a situation.  

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU

Remember IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FEELINGS as you attempt to wrap your head around the information.

Take a breath before speaking.

Don’t start out with cheery slogans or platitudes.

Don’t use a somber, sad funereal voice.

DON’T SAY ANYTHING

 Pause a moment and observe how your family member or friend is delivering the news.

Watch their expression and listen to their tone of voice.

Your job is to listen and ask questions if it seems like the person is open to answering them.

As a result of cues, you can determine on what level the person wants to talk.

 If the mood seems upbeat, go with it.

QUESTIONS

Is there more information that you can share with me?

What would you like me to do?

Do you need any help getting to chemo, meals for the family or sending updates?

If all the bases are covered ask how you can stay current without calling.

Find out the preferred mode of communication, Facebook, text, or email.

Determine who is handling communication, you can offer if the position is open.

FOLLOW-UP

Request a phone date if that seems appropriate

More and more people are using Facebook as the forum for updates, check in.

Follow-up with notes, an invitation for whatever your family member or friend would like to do, errands or something fun.

Do not disappear, keep cards and notes coming, clippings on shared interests, DVD’s – just don’t disappear!

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

If you pray…get on it or start again.

Talk to someone.

Be sad, be optimistic, run the gambit of emotions, do what you need to do.

A strong connection is about the two of you, the circle, and the family, it becomes about all of us in a time crisis.